Day 1 – Empower

As part of my 21-Day challenge to be more presentable in public, I will be documenting things that I’ve noticed that I might not have experienced if I hadn’t embarked on this journey.

Since I normally spend my weekends lounging around and recovering from the work-week, it took a lot of mental prompting to get me out of bed and into the shower. I slept late, watched some movies, and enjoyed some downtime with the dog.

But since I really care about moving forward with my plan, I pushed myself to follow-through, even if it was with a late start, because any progress is better than none.

I get a lot of anxiety at this point about bathing. I don’t even think it’s the actual act that scares me as much of the discomfort I feel just IMAGINING the act. When you are physically disabled, everyday things can feel really overwhelming. Taking off clothes, stepping over the side of the bathtub, turning on the water, lathering up the shampoo, rise, applying the conditioner. Shave, soap up, wash face, rinse conditioner. And that’s only the beginning. After that comes brushing through a full head of hair, eventually blowdrying, drying off, getting dressed, and if you’re feeling like a real champion – makeup.

I always really feel great after taking a nice long shower, and I have had a bench in the tub for the last 10 years (which is a total game-changer if you have issues standing). And while I initally thought, “OK, I can do this!”, I woke up this morning completely zonked after sleeping through a post-cleansing coma. This is also what contributes to me being hesitant to committing to plans, because before I even get to the event, I need to take a nap.

I knew that I wanted to go out into the world since my hair and makeup were done, so I put on a flowy (read: comfy) tiered, off-the-shoulder dress from Express that I bought to wear to my mother’s graduation in May. I loved it when I wore it back then, and honestly, if I hadn’t worn it yesterday, I might have watched it sit in my closet in a quasi-retirement until it didn’t fit me anymore or my style changed.

At about 8pm, I hopped in an Uber and went over to DSW. Because my feet are deformed, shoe shopping is usually a giant pain in the ass. But I figured it was late, and the store would likely be pretty empty, and it always feels better trying things on when you don’t NEED to find something for an event. I always seem to get luckier in that scenario.

As I mentioned in my original post about this challenge, there is a component for me that is interested in seeing if it’ll affect anything for me socially. But what I didn’t consider was that attraction doesn’t discriminate, and I ended up winning the attention from a woman who I can only guess was on a day-pass from the looney bin. Her process of introducing herself included asking me if I knew my dress was so long, and when I said, “yes…”, she said, “of course I know you know, but it’s dragging behind you and I want to know why.”

“Because I’m short. My dress is long and on the ground because I’m short.”

I don’t know if she expected me to melt into a ball of insecure tears or if she was hoping to get a lawsuit out of me after punching her in the face, but I sort of regret not resorting to one of those options, because my kindness and patience with her bizarre character resulted in her spending the next 20 minutes following me around and asking me to give her advice on the boots she was trying on.

After walking around for about an hour and a half, I left with a fun new pair of Keds (which are cool again, apparently, and at “cool again” prices…) that have the word “Empower” printed on top in rainbow colors. It’s a little particular for my taste, but given that I think I’m going to need an extra little shove each day to accomplish my 3-week goal, I thought that it wouldn’t hurt if my shoes were cheering me on.

Day 1 - Empower shoes

On my ride home, I was thinking about what, if anything, felt different on day 1. The first thing that came to mind was being able to smell Central Park, even if it was from a cab. The temperatures have been a little more mild recently, and though it was still kind of humid out, it was nice to drive home with all of the windows down, with my newly cleaned hair blowing in the wind.

It also occurred to me that I had written a blog post for the first time in about 9 months, had made use of my new desk that I’ve stocked with all of my nicely organized makeup, and noticed that my “comfy” clothes felt more comfortable than ever, when changing out of the dress I had been wearing all evening.

I have always felt that contrast is an important part of life. It’s why I believe I can tell when someone in the chronic illness community online isn’t being authentic about their experience, because anyone who has truly suffered the way that many us have, would also be able to appreciate much more than what I see being posted about each day.

To me, people who are not able to be grateful for basic things have not experienced pain or loss to the extent that makes them aware of how lucky they are when terrible things aren’t happening.

And with that, on to day 2!

xoBDay 1 Fkowy Dress

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2 thoughts on “Day 1 – Empower

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